Category Archives: wife

Our Only Summer Weekend Together

Remember the post I wrote about Our Crazy Summer? Well this is about the ONLY weekend we got to spend together this summer. I mean full fledged had nothing schedule except the seat of our pants. on Saturday, I had made an appointment for my eye doctor to get an Rx for my contacts and some back up glasses. On our way into San Antonio, we stopped by the new Dunkin Donuts in the Stone Oak area. Because obviously. America runs on Dunkin and all. Geez I wish they would put one in our town. In our town none of the Starbucks have drive-thrus and Einstein’s coffee is ehhhhhh. Hopefully one day.

image

So we made it to my eye appointment and then swung by Mike’s optometrist to see if there were any glasses he would like. Somehow we lucked out recently with badass vision insurance at his job and it would be fairly inexpensive. This man has had the same glasses since I met him in 2007 and the cat chewed the rubber pieces off by the ear section. Sometimes he could clearly see out of them other times not so much. He ended up with a nice Nike pair that make him look even more sexy than he is already. I decided to try on a few pair and naturally gravitated to the Coach section without realizing it. (My current pair in the Dunkin Donuts picture are Coach.) Mike says it’s because I have champagne taste on a tap water budget. Pshhhhh whatevs. I tried this red pair on about three times and couldn’t stop thinking about them. As I was taking a picture of these to remember when I come back later to purchase them… this happens. Yeah that’s my manchild photobombing my picture.

image

After all that we did a little shopping. I was looking for a particular item that caused us to take advantage of a “Buy one, get one 1/2 half off” sale at a shoe store so we got new tennis shoes. We went by a few other stores but those were definitely a need after tearing up ours from working at Schlitterbahn all summer. By this point we are starving. The one place I was really excited to try for lunch was closed so we tried Freetail Brewing instead. It’s a microbrewery on the North Central-ish side of San Antonio. It was actually fairly good. We’ll definitely try it again.

image

For Sunday I surprised Mike by telling him that we were going golfing and I would let him teach me how to golf. (When I say TEACH me, I mean that in the physical sense. I know enough about the GAME of golf that I can hold my own in a conversation with someone. I just get super frustrated when I miss that stupid little ball and it’s still sitting there post-swing.) I swear the look of excitement on his face was so cute. After brunch we were going to go to a local place but it looked like rain so we did a little shopping and headed to Austin. My BFF mentioned Top Golf and we decided to try it. Luckily we got in right before noon and got the half price special. I will say that it was a smidge pricey if we hadn’t gotten in at half-price. It’s a great date night idea, especially if you can get a few friends to go and share the cost of a bay.

image

Mike of course was able to whack it all the way to the back but he’s been playing for YEARS. He set me up with the basics and I then proceeded to down two beers to help me get through this rough experience. It was frustrating. There were many a times I said “Your turn!” because I was about to throw the damn club into one of those nets. (LoL I have anger issues with that little ball, don’t judge.) Mike teases me that I’m a perfectionist, well yeah I’d like to do it properly so I don’t pull something and then limp like an old person afterwards. How many times did I swing and miss but never took my eyes off the ball? Several. How awkward was it to keep my arms in the same place and only use my hips. Tremendously awkward. But as soon as I got into a groove… WATCH OUT! I hit fairly straight too. *When I do hit it* 😉 By the time we finished our hour, we were all kinds of sweaty and gross. It was beyond humid that day. Then we headed home.

image

All in all it was a fun weekend. It was nice to FINALLY spend some quality time with my long lost husband. Even though by that evening we were asking each other “When do you go back to work again?” (That’s our teasing way of saying “You’re being a pain in my arse.”) Two full days together is sufficient for us. LoL I really do love him. Or I wouldn’t have put up with him for 7 years.

OH! I started looking around online for a set of golf clubs that I could piddle around with until I got good enough to buy a nice set. Craigslist? Bust. They (multiple posters) wanted like $300 for clubs from the 80’s that probably haven’t seen the light of day since 1995. Really? No. Dick’s was still a little pricey for my taste. I got on our local facebook trade group and posted an “ISO” thread (In Search Of, for those over the age of 40). A guy messaged me saying his wife wanted to sell hers & I could have them for $100. I sent the picture to Mike and he said to take it! OOOOOOK. I met up with him, got the clubs, and showed Mike. He says they are actually a nice brand. I’m more worried about the thrown up pepto look all over it. Ugh. So. Much. Pink. Whatever they will serve a purpose. Now that I finally have my own set, we are on a mission to scope out local driving ranges to practice on. I’ll keep y’all posted.

image

Advertisements

The Great Debate: 50 Shades of Grey

Alright let’s get all this out in the open. Let’s talk. If you are uncomfortable with reading about sex, BDSM, or trashy romance novels, then you definitely should keep reading this. Why are we still treating this as taboo?

The Facts:

  • I read the series last summer. I felt it was poorly written, especially grammatically.
  • I have no desire to see the movie. Realistically, to capture what happened in the books and for it to be worth the time, the movie would need to be NC-17 or a porno.
  • I read oodles of romance novels, some very graphic, others tame, and still get it on with my husband very frequently. I’ll go more in depth about why I brought that up further down.

*Sex/BDSM*

Here’s what has been circulating since this book crossed the pond into the radical Christian nation known as America. *shaking my head* Unfortunately, because our country is so hung up on making sex a taboo topic it’s hard to talk about things like 50 Shades of Grey (the good and the bad) without someone condemning your for your choice of literary works. Yes, I read the series. No, I didn’t care for it. Yes, I have read WAY better BDSM books than that junk. *I can loan you a few if you’d like.* While reading this series, I had to put it down several times because it made me ragey. To the point that I would be mad for days before I could pick it back up again. (If you didn’t know already, I am a survivor of domestic violence so I can vouch between abuse and BDSM.) The character of Christian Grey is an abuser. I loathe him. Mr. Grey is nothing like my husband who is a Dominant in many aspects yet has never HURT me in an abusive manner. My husband has never followed me in secret nor controlled what I do or who I hang out with, unlike Mr. Grey to Ana. My husband has NEVER disrespected me. Ever. The way 50 Shades is written, Christian Grey coerces Ana into being his victim. She is not a submissive. She is essentially an escort being bought by Mr. Grey with a flashy car, the use of his helicopter, and all of his wealth. For the longest time I couldn’t put my finger on why I didn’t enjoy this series. I knew it rubbed me the wrong way but I was lacking the vocabulary on why. Then I came across this from the Canadian Victims Rights page. It finally all made sense. Christian Grey is my ex-husband. An abuser. A traumatized man. Someone who needs serious help. I stayed away from BDSM themed books for a long time. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Even though I dabbled in it with my ex and enjoyed it, after he tried to kill me, it made me question every decision I ever made with him. Was I forced to be restrained? Did I actually enjoy it or was it coercion? Am I the screwed up one? So many questions. Until I read the Rescue Me Series by Kallypso Masters a few weeks ago. Oh. My. God. Talk about someone who does their research. After finishing Nobody’s Perfect (#3) I finally realized that I did enjoy some BDSM aspects and that it is therapeutic for me, much like for Savi (main female character). 

So no you can’t accurately compare BDSM with 50 Shades because Mrs. James blatantly disregards the first rule of BDSM (Safe, Sane, & Consensual) throughout her story. Trust. Communication. Honesty. Those are my three in my sexual relationship. I trust that my husband will keep me safe. Communication that I am in the right frame of mind at the right moment to enjoy our encounter. Lastly, honesty that I’m going into that particular moment willingly and of my own accord. Once people can start to understand these aspects then they can distinguish crap like 50 Shades and real BDSM relationships.

10446073_10152156208791512_5786054985954811125_o*Marriage*

First off it is none of your damn business what goes on in anyone’s marriage but your own. The fact that all these Christian bloggers, ministers, and whatever else are going around telling people what they can and can’t read because “God says so” need to reevaluate their own priorities. The part that irks me beyond anything else is that “they” (the overtly religious) ASSUME that no one can have a healthy marriage while reading romance, and *gasp* BDSM too. In fact, for some, it can help a marriage. For us personally we are secure enough in our marriage and our own self-worth that we use romance novels and “porn” as tools to keep our relationship alive and heated. Sometimes I may come across a scene in a book that sounds like fun and try it out on my husband, and he loves it. Or the day he read an article in a “men’s magazine” that gave him an idea to bring to the bedroom. I was pleasantly surprised and willing. While reading yet another blog post chastising a spouse’s choice in reading material it dawned on me that many people have huge insecurities they can not get past. It seems this very way with Mrs. Haley Smith in her post The Problem with 50 Shades of Grey while she thoroughly paints a picture of a man doing what the secular woman would by fawning over a fictional character. Then she ends the scene with this:

“Imma tell you right now. If that ever happened to me, The Man would wake up by a punch to the throat and see that he doesn’t have any eyebrows left cause I had shaved them off in his sleep. Straight up! Some of ya’ll are thinking that’s violent and crazy and that I need Jesus. You. Are. Right.”

Oooooook. First off this tells me that there are some underlying self-esteem issues within yourself that you are irate and jealous over a fictional character. Someone who doesn’t exist. Reality check honey. There is a real someone out there better than you. It’s just a matter of whether your husband would meet said hypothetical person in his lifetime. Here’s a tip. As long as you keep him happy in bed and in your marriage, I doubt he’ll go seeking comfort elsewhere. You don’t think children fantasize about different parents because their own parent is being “mean” or “unfair”? That’s life. It’s what we as humans do.

THE BEST response I have seen to date on this discussion was from a “Lissa” on PureFreedom’s I’m Not Reading 50 Shades of GreyThis is Lissa’s response:

@Dannah Thank you for your well thought out response. I appreciate how much time and effort you put into these responses. But I’m not happy with your condemnation of the term “BDSM”

Your thoughts on what is commonly referred to as “BDSM” are intensely skewed.

I am far from a feminist, but I DO believe that God looks at me as a beautiful child, a person of worth, worth sacrificing a great deal for. If I for one moment felt that this aggressive style of relations (note that I did not say “relationship”. It does not define our marriage.) made me less of a person, or if my husband thought less of me during these interactions, it would cease to happen.

I don’t really expect you to understand, because unless you have natural tendencies toward this, it is easy to see it on par with abuse and rape. That is exactly what it is NOT. My point was only that scripture doesn’t even come close to addressing the issue, and so to condemn it is ridiculous. I am well aware of the example our Lord set for us when He walked this earth. I find so many of those qualities is my husband – his Christlikeness was what drew me to him in the first place. And none of the verses you quoted about him relate to BDSM in any way.

Bondage: My husband does not capture me and tie me up against my will. The bondage of sin ,which Christ freed me from, is not at all comparable to being tied up for pleasure.

Dominance: What essentially happens in our bedroom is that I hand over power to my husband for an amount of time. But in the end, I have the final say over what happens. Anything out of my comfort zone doesn’t. Period. It is commonly known as a “power exchange”. It is an illusion. My husband does not become a tyrant.

Sadism/Masochism: These words are not as black as you make them sound. In a rapist, yes, sadism is a dark word. In a consenting marriage, they go hand in hand, and are not ugly at all. My desire for pain and his willingness to give it to me (in a safe, controlled environment) bring us both pleasure. It is beautiful, not evil.

BDSM is NOT rape and torture. That is a common misconception amongst people whose tastes do not turn that way, and that is unfortunate. You don’t have to practice it. Just don’t condemn it.

But again, I don’t understand how you can put a limit on something that is so beautifully intimate between two people. Why can you decide that what is pleasurable for both a man and a woman inside the bedroom, what is consensual, what is monogamous, and what is often precedented or followed by prayer and thanks for the gifts God has given us, is wrong? I’m not exactly certain how that is different from early missionaries telling converts in heathen society that certain sexual positioning is unpleasing to God, or that sex is purely for conception of children.

When it is done correctly, BDSM can be a very healthy part of a Christian marriage. It is clearly not for you or your husband, but that does not make it wrong.

Lissa”

I apologize for this long winded post but I was so sick of people telling me that because I chose a particular way to enjoy my life that is not harming others and that is agreed upon with my spouse, that I am going to hell or eventually getting divorced or feeding the problem. When you have actually been sexually and physically abused you find whatever you can to help you get through the traumatic memories. For some of us it’s through BDSM, while others it’s drugs/alcohol/religion/etc. I’d rather have the BDSM thank you. You can keep your perfect God fearing marriage with your vanilla husband that you probably only use the missionary position for and I’ll keep my protective Alpha-male who rips my clothes off and makes me feel like a princess yet is willing to explore anything new to keep our love strong. If your relationship works for you that’s fine but keep your damn mouth shut about mine. If you don’t want to read a book or watch a movie or whatever that makes you feel icky then don’t but please stop telling everyone else what they need to do with their life.

Yours Truly,

An Abuse Survivor Who Thrives on Adrenaline & Pain While Reading Any Romance Novel I Can Get My Hands On 🙂